Illinois Governor Arrested on Bribery Charges

Governor dared feds to tap his phones, then discussed bribes on the phone

Illinois Governor and stupid criminal Rod Blagojflrdsgfhfwlpkd was arrested today on charges of soliciting bribes after getting caught trying to sell the Senate seat recently vacated by President-elect Barack Obama to the highest bidder. The arrest came one day after he gave the Justice Department carte blanche permission to listen to his phone calls.

"Go ahead. I dare you to tap my phones and listen to every single word that I say," the Governor said at a press conference yesterday. "I am doing nothing illegal and have absolutely nothing to hide."

At a press conference today, US Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald discussed the investigation into Blagojevich's activities. "Our wiretaps revealed a startling brazenness by the Governor. For example, we have him on tape saying, 'I, Milorad R. Blagojevich, Governor of Illinois, residing at the Governor's Mansion located at 410 East Jackson, Springfield, Illinois, would like to know if you are interested in our vacant Senate seat. I can give it to you in return for a bribe, and by bribe I mean an illegal cash gift that could get my ass thrown in jail.'"

However, Republic Newswire correspondent Mark Thompson said that the wiretaps might not have been necessary. "There are billboards all over Springfield offering to sell the Senate seat," Mark told us. "One such advertisement reads, 'For Sale! Barack Obama's empty Senate seat! Auction will be held December 18. Payment should be made in the form of a blank check to Rod Blagojevich. For questions, call me, the Governor, at my personal number, 217-555-0138.'

"In fact, when I called the governor's office, I got a phone tree asking what kind of bribe I would like to give him. When I wanted to interview him, I was informed that that would cost $50,000."

The Republic Newswire declined to pay Blagojevich for an interview.

Bush: We Need "Smart Government"

Government lacks intelligence, says president

"Our government needs to be smartified," President Bush said today ahead of this weekend's G20 economic summit. "Right now it seems to be blighted by stupidification. This has been a problem ever since I took office. After eight years, I still haven't been able to find the source."

The President will be meeting with the leaders of 20 countries this weekend, where he is expected to address the economic crisis by making an ass out of himself again. "The plan requires Mr. Bush to call attention to himself," explained Dick Cheney. "While everyone is distracted, I'll help my friends from companies like Halliburton to steal more money from the government so they can pad their excessive salaries with even bigger bonuses. Did I just say that out loud?"

The Vice President then unsuccessfully attempted to melt the brains of the reporters in the room with his death stare. However, he discovered that his evil powers have diminished because of his lame duck status, and he ended up melting his own glasses.

Bush then went on to explain how to increase government intelligence. "We can biggify government smartness by, uh, doing that thing that's the opposite of firing, uh, to people who know what they are doing. There is no place in government for incompetence."

Dick Cheney Endorses John McCain

Democratic Party Expresses Grattitude to Cheney

Barack Obama's presidential campaign had its morale boosted today on reports that Dick Cheney has endorsed John McCain. The Vice President apparently made the endorsement after arriving in Wyoming. "Mr. Cheney has saved us a lot of trouble," said Obama campaign strategist David Axelrod. "Now we don't have to campaign in Wyoming."

Anonymous sources from the McCain campaign have told us that it's not all bad. "We are now seeing a massive increase in support from the evil genius demographic," explained a campaign worker who asked not to be named. "We could really use a .00000000008% boost in our numbers. We need all the support we can get."

"It could have been worse," commented campaign manager Rick Davis. "This time the Vice President only shot us in the foot."

Palin: Now is Not the Time to Experiment with Socialism

We must stay the course, says Palin

At a rally on Thursday, Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin told her audience that it is dangerous to experiment with new ideas at this time. "We must keep our heads up our asses and continue to dig the same holes we've been digging for the last eight years," she said. "If we dig deep enough, we might find oil!"

Palin went on to explain how moving in a new direction would hurt America. "Under the Obama plan, you would have access to medical care and get a tax cut. That is un-American! We must fight harder than ever if we are to remain a backwards country. We need a conservative leader who will make sure that we continue to lag far behind other industrialized countries. After all, who would want to live like Europeans, with their elitist universal healthcare or their latte-sipping educated people? That would turn this country into a gosh-darned doggone liberal hell-hole. We can't have socialism here!"

When an audience member then asked her why any of those things she mentioned would be bad, gave him a blank stare and told him that "I'll just have to get back to you. Next question!"

Biden: Obama Will Be Tested

Obama Will Face Foreign Policy Crisis, says Obama's Running Mate

At a Sunday fundraiser, Barack Obama's running mate expressed a lack of confidence in Barack Obama's foreign policy credentials. "Obama is inexperienced and will not know what to do when foreign leaders decide to test him," said Biden. "This is why John McCain would make a better-"

Biden never got to finish what he was saying, as his foot quite suddenly ended up in his mouth.

"I shouldn't be surprised," said Kevin Larson, one of the attendees. "They just finished removing it when he got here. I hardly ever see Senator Biden's foot out of his mouth."

Unfortunately, Biden's foot removal specialist who is normally on call 24/7 is on vacation this week and was not available to help him out of this one.

"This may take some time," said Carl Matthews, another attendee. "His foot is in there pretty deep."

A paramedic said that his foot may need to be surgically removed.

We are now getting unconfirmed reports that Biden is being transported to the same hospital that treated Mike Huckabee earlier this year after the former Arkansas governor made an off-color comment about Barack Obama.

Election Watch: North Korean Edition

North Korean Parliamentary Elections to Take Place August 5

It happens once every five years, and the Democratic People's Republic of Korea will once again be holding elections. Now that the candidates have been chosen by the government, the people get to vote for these candidates.

If the 2003 elections are any indication, the Democratic Front for the Reunification of the Fatherland appears likely to hold onto its seats again. The front swept all 687 seats in a landslide victory that year, winning reelection with 100% of the vote.

With all of the election buzz, we decided to go out and talk to the candidates. I asked Sun Dong-ho, a parliamentary candidate, to tell me why, as a hypothetical North Korean voter, I should vote for him.

"If you don't vote for me, you will be executed," he told me. "Vote for me or die!"

He's got my vote.

Park Dae-song, another candidate, told us about one of the more pressing issues facing the Supreme People's Assembly. "We desperately need new rubberstamps to kiss His Glorious Presence and Dearest Leader who Makes All Life Possible in the Glorious Fatherland Kim Jong-il's ass.

"Our current rubberstamps have become worn, and we need new ones to really show that we support our Dear Leader."

When I asked Rhee Dong-hyun what he would do if elected, he explained, "I will approve His Brilliant and Majestic Exalted Royal Statuesque Splendid Ruler who Makes the Sun Rise and the Seasons Change to Bring Life Into the World Kim Jong-il's budget and his glorious increase in military spending. I will also be sure to honor the Eternal President of the Republic."

The Eternal President of the Republic, the highest office in the country, is held by Kim Il-sung, who (this is true) has been dead since 1994.

Polling places are being set up, and Suk Hyun-wook, a polling official who has asked not to be identified, showed me a typical Pyongyang voting booth. "As you can see, we use state-of-the-art Diebold touch-screen voting systems. If voters make a mistake, the machine will correct it. This way, we can rest assured that nobody ever casts the wrong vote."

At this time, the very nice man who has been assigned to keep tabs on me has suggested that I take a break from writing so that he can take me to his office to ask me some very friendly questions about my whereabouts over the last few days.

The Republic Newswire will bring you the results of the election on August 5.

North Pole May Be Ice Free This Summer

Santa Claus Worried About Effects on North Pole Workshop

NORTH POLE - As a result of uncontrolled air pollution, Santa Claus may soon have to relocate his North Pole operation. Unfortunately, this could put a real strain on resources, and there are worries that toy production could plummet this year. Mr. Claus has expressed concern over the potential negative effects on elf morale.

As for blame, Santa did not mince words. "Those assholes who control industry have known about the effects of pollution for years, and they have done nothing. They're all getting coal again this year!"

An elf then leaned over and explained to Santa that energy companies routinely burn the coal that he gives them, resulting in the global warming that has caused the ice pack to melt.

"We're screwed," said Santa upon learning this fact.