Raúl Castro Named New President of Cuba

After Extensive Debate, Parliament Elects Fidel's Younger Brother

After Fidel Castro announced his resignation as President of Cuba, pandemonium hit members of Cuba's parliament. "Con la repentina dimisión de Fidel, que se encontrabamos en una pérdida sobre la cuestión de la sucesión," said Mudo Estúpidoculo. "¡Necesitábamos encontrar un nuevo líder, y rápido!"

After convening an emergency session, the parliament deliberated over the list of candidates. The candidates who were considered for the office of president were as follows, in alphabetical order: Raúl Castro.

Cojo Imbécilo, another parliament member, told us, "Después de varias horas de debate, que aún no ha elegido a un sucesor. Para empeorar las cosas, algunos de los diputados trataron de filibustero uno de los candidatos, y el proceso llegó a un punto muerto. Creíamos que nunca podría dejar de existir."

"Finalmente, logramos cortar el filibustero con un piso de tres quintos voto. Con el resto de debate limitado a treinta horas, se tomamos un solo día para llegar a un consenso."

Upon finding out that he will be Cuba's next president, Raúl Castro said, "¡El pueblo ha hablado! Ahora voy a lograr las reformas económicas y democráticas, y todos ese tipo de mierda."

There was less enthusiasm north of the island nation, especially in Washington, DC. President Bush was really pissed off upon hearing of Raúl Castro replacing Fidel. "Why did Fidel Castro have to resign? Now that his brother is promising reform, people are going to start asking me why we still have sanctions against Cuba. I'm going to look like a jackass!"