Bush: Economy Needs "Shot in Arm"

Economy's foot is next

Many people have noticed lately that the economy seems to be on the road to a recession. Nobody is more concerned about this than President Bush, who has said that a bad economy is a threat to America.

"The economy is not cooperating, so we must now use drastic measures," Bush said Friday. "By shooting the economy in the arm, we will send a clear message: no more Mr. Nice Guy!"

Some critics are less enthusiastic about the proposal. Michael von Blüstren, an economics expert, said, "Bush has already declared war on taxes. I hope the economy isn't next, because you can't fight a war on two fronts."

The President, however, seems to be ready to move forward with his plan. "I've already had my staff take an opinion poll, so I'm now going to ignore the results and carry out the plan anyway. We need to kick the economy's ass!"

In a statement released on Friday, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke added that it will not end with giving the economy a shot in the arm. "If this doesn't work, the next step is to shoot it in the foot."

Bush has given the economy 72 hours to cooperate.

NTSB: Minnesota Bridge Collapse Caused by Design Flaw

This comes as a surprise to many

An investigation into the August 1, 2007 collapse of the Interstate 35-W bridge in Minneapolis, Minnesota revealed that the collapse was caused by a design flaw. Previously, it was thought that the bridge was properly designed and just decided to collapse one day for no reason at all.

"I am surprised at this," exclaimed Joe Patroni upon hearing about the findings. "Who would have thought that a bridge failure in the absence of adverse conditions could be the result of a poor design?"

Indeed, people did not expect that a bridge collapse could be caused by design problems. It seems that the head of the NTSB had thought it more likely that the bridge would have collapsed spontaneously. "Now that it is clear that somebody is to blame, we need to initiate the witch hunt phase of this investigation," he said in a statement. "I promise that I will find the scapegoat responsible for this and rake him over the coals by the end of this investigation."

When asked about designing and building a new bridge, he explained, "That can go on the back burner for now. We can't waste money on construction when we have yet to blame the collapse on someone. I will not tolerate construction of this bridge until we know who the scapegoat is."

When pressed for details about the design flaw, he replied, "I don't know."