Big Oil Unsuccessful at Losing Money Despite Best Efforts
With oil prices hitting record highs and oil companies reporting record profits, many consumer girlie-men have begun whining that their gas costs too much. As a result, the asses of five oil executives were dragged before Congress to testify.
"I can't help that money has been gushing into my company in recent times," said John Hofmeister, president of Shell Oil. "We've tried frittering the money away on things like a gigantic mansion for my family to live in, pay raises for all board members, and a recently completed Rolls Royce collection. Somehow, we're still making lots of money. I don't know how to stop it."
Exxon Mobil Senior Vice President Stephen Simon explained his company's failed strategies to lose money. "We tried buying up lots of oil, thinking that we would get burned by building up supply and therefore sending prices down. Unfortunately, the strategy backfired, and the speculative buying that resulted left us saddled with enormous profits. It's a real problem, as our offices are now overflowing with cash. When I try to sit at my desk, I find that I'm up to my eyeballs in wads of $100 bills."
When a member of the the Senate Judiciary Committee suggested alleviating their money problems with a windfall profits tax, ConocoPhillips executive vice president John Lowe shot back: "Do I look like I'm made of money? If you tax us, we'll be forced to pass it along to the consumer. The market controls oil prices, not the oil companies that buy and sell most of the oil. We don't have the means to control oil prices. The only thing that can do that now is Bush's magic wand."
In fact, the President tried using his Price Wand to send prices down, but the wand malfunctioned and sent them up instead. When the matter was later brought to his attention at a press conference, he expressed annoyance. "Fuck! Not again," he said. "That piece of shit does this every time! Someone has to show me how to use that thing."
