North Pole May Be Ice Free This Summer

Santa Claus Worried About Effects on North Pole Workshop

NORTH POLE - As a result of uncontrolled air pollution, Santa Claus may soon have to relocate his North Pole operation. Unfortunately, this could put a real strain on resources, and there are worries that toy production could plummet this year. Mr. Claus has expressed concern over the potential negative effects on elf morale.

As for blame, Santa did not mince words. "Those assholes who control industry have known about the effects of pollution for years, and they have done nothing. They're all getting coal again this year!"

An elf then leaned over and explained to Santa that energy companies routinely burn the coal that he gives them, resulting in the global warming that has caused the ice pack to melt.

"We're screwed," said Santa upon learning this fact.

James Dobson Criticizes Obama for "Distorting the Bible" in 2006

Surprised to Learn That the Year is Now 2008

After Barack Obama gave a speech in 2006 in which he suggested that it would be difficult to govern solely based on the Bible, Focus on the Family founder James Dobson criticized Obama for presenting what he saw as a distorted interpretation. However, he was very surprised when he was informed that two years had passed since the speech.

"Holy crap!" exclaimed Dobson when he was informed of this fact. "What's next, the Democrats controlling Congress?"

"Apparently, Mr. Dobson has lost track of time and is extremely out of touch with events as they unfold," explained a medical expert. "His delayed reaction to the 2006 speech is a perfect example of that."

Dobson has said that he will not vote for John McCain this year, but his publicist has said that he will endorse somebody before November 4, 2010.