Bush: We Need "Smart Government"

Government lacks intelligence, says president

"Our government needs to be smartified," President Bush said today ahead of this weekend's G20 economic summit. "Right now it seems to be blighted by stupidification. This has been a problem ever since I took office. After eight years, I still haven't been able to find the source."

The President will be meeting with the leaders of 20 countries this weekend, where he is expected to address the economic crisis by making an ass out of himself again. "The plan requires Mr. Bush to call attention to himself," explained Dick Cheney. "While everyone is distracted, I'll help my friends from companies like Halliburton to steal more money from the government so they can pad their excessive salaries with even bigger bonuses. Did I just say that out loud?"

The Vice President then unsuccessfully attempted to melt the brains of the reporters in the room with his death stare. However, he discovered that his evil powers have diminished because of his lame duck status, and he ended up melting his own glasses.

Bush then went on to explain how to increase government intelligence. "We can biggify government smartness by, uh, doing that thing that's the opposite of firing, uh, to people who know what they are doing. There is no place in government for incompetence."

Dick Cheney Endorses John McCain

Democratic Party Expresses Grattitude to Cheney

Barack Obama's presidential campaign had its morale boosted today on reports that Dick Cheney has endorsed John McCain. The Vice President apparently made the endorsement after arriving in Wyoming. "Mr. Cheney has saved us a lot of trouble," said Obama campaign strategist David Axelrod. "Now we don't have to campaign in Wyoming."

Anonymous sources from the McCain campaign have told us that it's not all bad. "We are now seeing a massive increase in support from the evil genius demographic," explained a campaign worker who asked not to be named. "We could really use a .00000000008% boost in our numbers. We need all the support we can get."

"It could have been worse," commented campaign manager Rick Davis. "This time the Vice President only shot us in the foot."