The Republic Newswire

Illinois Governor Arrested on Bribery Charges

2008-12-09T23:34:00.007-05:00

Governor dared feds to tap his phones, then discussed bribes on the phone

Illinois Governor and stupid criminal Rod Blagojflrdsgfhfwlpkd was arrested today on charges of soliciting bribes after getting caught trying to sell the Senate seat recently vacated by President-elect Barack Obama to the highest bidder. The arrest came one day after he gave the Justice Department carte blanche permission to listen to his phone calls.

"Go ahead. I dare you to tap my phones and listen to every single word that I say," the Governor said at a press conference yesterday. "I am doing nothing illegal and have absolutely nothing to hide."

At a press conference today, US Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald discussed the investigation into Blagojevich's activities. "Our wiretaps revealed a startling brazenness by the Governor. For example, we have him on tape saying, 'I, Milorad R. Blagojevich, Governor of Illinois, residing at the Governor's Mansion located at 410 East Jackson, Springfield, Illinois, would like to know if you are interested in our vacant Senate seat. I can give it to you in return for a bribe, and by bribe I mean an illegal cash gift that could get my ass thrown in jail.'"

However, Republic Newswire correspondent Mark Thompson said that the wiretaps might not have been necessary. "There are billboards all over Springfield offering to sell the Senate seat," Mark told us. "One such advertisement reads, 'For Sale! Barack Obama's empty Senate seat! Auction will be held December 18. Payment should be made in the form of a blank check to Rod Blagojevich. For questions, call me, the Governor, at my personal number, 217-555-0138.'

"In fact, when I called the governor's office, I got a phone tree asking what kind of bribe I would like to give him. When I wanted to interview him, I was informed that that would cost $50,000."

The Republic Newswire declined to pay Blagojevich for an interview.

Bush: We Need "Smart Government"

2008-11-13T17:09:00.009-05:00

Government lacks intelligence, says president

"Our government needs to be smartified," President Bush said today ahead of this weekend's G20 economic summit. "Right now it seems to be blighted by stupidification. This has been a problem ever since I took office. After eight years, I still haven't been able to find the source."

The President will be meeting with the leaders of 20 countries this weekend, where he is expected to address the economic crisis by making an ass out of himself again. "The plan requires Mr. Bush to call attention to himself," explained Dick Cheney. "While everyone is distracted, I'll help my friends from companies like Halliburton to steal more money from the government so they can pad their excessive salaries with even bigger bonuses. Did I just say that out loud?"

The Vice President then unsuccessfully attempted to melt the brains of the reporters in the room with his death stare. However, he discovered that his evil powers have diminished because of his lame duck status, and he ended up melting his own glasses.

Bush then went on to explain how to increase government intelligence. "We can biggify government smartness by, uh, doing that thing that's the opposite of firing, uh, to people who know what they are doing. There is no place in government for incompetence."

Dick Cheney Endorses John McCain

2008-11-01T19:27:00.005-04:00

Democratic Party Expresses Grattitude to Cheney

Barack Obama's presidential campaign had its morale boosted today on reports that Dick Cheney has endorsed John McCain. The Vice President apparently made the endorsement after arriving in Wyoming. "Mr. Cheney has saved us a lot of trouble," said Obama campaign strategist David Axelrod. "Now we don't have to campaign in Wyoming."

Anonymous sources from the McCain campaign have told us that it's not all bad. "We are now seeing a massive increase in support from the evil genius demographic," explained a campaign worker who asked not to be named. "We could really use a .00000000008% boost in our numbers. We need all the support we can get."

"It could have been worse," commented campaign manager Rick Davis. "This time the Vice President only shot us in the foot."

Palin: Now is Not the Time to Experiment with Socialism

2008-10-24T21:31:00.002-04:00

We must stay the course, says Palin

At a rally on Thursday, Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin told her audience that it is dangerous to experiment with new ideas at this time. "We must keep our heads up our asses and continue to dig the same holes we've been digging for the last eight years," she said. "If we dig deep enough, we might find oil!"

Palin went on to explain how moving in a new direction would hurt America. "Under the Obama plan, you would have access to medical care and get a tax cut. That is un-American! We must fight harder than ever if we are to remain a backwards country. We need a conservative leader who will make sure that we continue to lag far behind other industrialized countries. After all, who would want to live like Europeans, with their elitist universal healthcare or their latte-sipping educated people? That would turn this country into a gosh-darned doggone liberal hell-hole. We can't have socialism here!"

When an audience member then asked her why any of those things she mentioned would be bad, gave him a blank stare and told him that "I'll just have to get back to you. Next question!"

Biden: Obama Will Be Tested

2008-10-20T22:36:00.003-04:00

Obama Will Face Foreign Policy Crisis, says Obama's Running Mate

At a Sunday fundraiser, Barack Obama's running mate expressed a lack of confidence in Barack Obama's foreign policy credentials. "Obama is inexperienced and will not know what to do when foreign leaders decide to test him," said Biden. "This is why John McCain would make a better-"

Biden never got to finish what he was saying, as his foot quite suddenly ended up in his mouth.

"I shouldn't be surprised," said Kevin Larson, one of the attendees. "They just finished removing it when he got here. I hardly ever see Senator Biden's foot out of his mouth."

Unfortunately, Biden's foot removal specialist who is normally on call 24/7 is on vacation this week and was not available to help him out of this one.

"This may take some time," said Carl Matthews, another attendee. "His foot is in there pretty deep."

A paramedic said that his foot may need to be surgically removed.

We are now getting unconfirmed reports that Biden is being transported to the same hospital that treated Mike Huckabee earlier this year after the former Arkansas governor made an off-color comment about Barack Obama.

Election Watch: North Korean Edition

2008-07-25T19:59:00.003-04:00

North Korean Parliamentary Elections to Take Place August 5

It happens once every five years, and the Democratic People's Republic of Korea will once again be holding elections. Now that the candidates have been chosen by the government, the people get to vote for these candidates.

If the 2003 elections are any indication, the Democratic Front for the Reunification of the Fatherland appears likely to hold onto its seats again. The front swept all 687 seats in a landslide victory that year, winning reelection with 100% of the vote.

With all of the election buzz, we decided to go out and talk to the candidates. I asked Sun Dong-ho, a parliamentary candidate, to tell me why, as a hypothetical North Korean voter, I should vote for him.

"If you don't vote for me, you will be executed," he told me. "Vote for me or die!"

He's got my vote.

Park Dae-song, another candidate, told us about one of the more pressing issues facing the Supreme People's Assembly. "We desperately need new rubberstamps to kiss His Glorious Presence and Dearest Leader who Makes All Life Possible in the Glorious Fatherland Kim Jong-il's ass.

"Our current rubberstamps have become worn, and we need new ones to really show that we support our Dear Leader."

When I asked Rhee Dong-hyun what he would do if elected, he explained, "I will approve His Brilliant and Majestic Exalted Royal Statuesque Splendid Ruler who Makes the Sun Rise and the Seasons Change to Bring Life Into the World Kim Jong-il's budget and his glorious increase in military spending. I will also be sure to honor the Eternal President of the Republic."

The Eternal President of the Republic, the highest office in the country, is held by Kim Il-sung, who (this is true) has been dead since 1994.

Polling places are being set up, and Suk Hyun-wook, a polling official who has asked not to be identified, showed me a typical Pyongyang voting booth. "As you can see, we use state-of-the-art Diebold touch-screen voting systems. If voters make a mistake, the machine will correct it. This way, we can rest assured that nobody ever casts the wrong vote."

At this time, the very nice man who has been assigned to keep tabs on me has suggested that I take a break from writing so that he can take me to his office to ask me some very friendly questions about my whereabouts over the last few days.

The Republic Newswire will bring you the results of the election on August 5.

North Pole May Be Ice Free This Summer

2008-06-27T21:55:00.008-04:00

Santa Claus Worried About Effects on North Pole Workshop

NORTH POLE - As a result of uncontrolled air pollution, Santa Claus may soon have to relocate his North Pole operation. Unfortunately, this could put a real strain on resources, and there are worries that toy production could plummet this year. Mr. Claus has expressed concern over the potential negative effects on elf morale.

As for blame, Santa did not mince words. "Those assholes who control industry have known about the effects of pollution for years, and they have done nothing. They're all getting coal again this year!"

An elf then leaned over and explained to Santa that energy companies routinely burn the coal that he gives them, resulting in the global warming that has caused the ice pack to melt.

"We're screwed," said Santa upon learning this fact.

James Dobson Criticizes Obama for "Distorting the Bible" in 2006

2008-06-25T20:07:00.002-04:00

Surprised to Learn That the Year is Now 2008

After Barack Obama gave a speech in 2006 in which he suggested that it would be difficult to govern solely based on the Bible, Focus on the Family founder James Dobson criticized Obama for presenting what he saw as a distorted interpretation. However, he was very surprised when he was informed that two years had passed since the speech.

"Holy crap!" exclaimed Dobson when he was informed of this fact. "What's next, the Democrats controlling Congress?"

"Apparently, Mr. Dobson has lost track of time and is extremely out of touch with events as they unfold," explained a medical expert. "His delayed reaction to the 2006 speech is a perfect example of that."

Dobson has said that he will not vote for John McCain this year, but his publicist has said that he will endorse somebody before November 4, 2010.

Oil Execs: We Can't Help That We're Making Record Profits

2008-05-21T22:33:00.001-04:00

Big Oil Unsuccessful at Losing Money Despite Best Efforts

With oil prices hitting record highs and oil companies reporting record profits, many consumer girlie-men have begun whining that their gas costs too much. As a result, the asses of five oil executives were dragged before Congress to testify.

"I can't help that money has been gushing into my company in recent times," said John Hofmeister, president of Shell Oil. "We've tried frittering the money away on things like a gigantic mansion for my family to live in, pay raises for all board members, and a recently completed Rolls Royce collection. Somehow, we're still making lots of money. I don't know how to stop it."

Exxon Mobil Senior Vice President Stephen Simon explained his company's failed strategies to lose money. "We tried buying up lots of oil, thinking that we would get burned by building up supply and therefore sending prices down. Unfortunately, the strategy backfired, and the speculative buying that resulted left us saddled with enormous profits. It's a real problem, as our offices are now overflowing with cash. When I try to sit at my desk, I find that I'm up to my eyeballs in wads of $100 bills."

When a member of the the Senate Judiciary Committee suggested alleviating their money problems with a windfall profits tax, ConocoPhillips executive vice president John Lowe shot back: "Do I look like I'm made of money? If you tax us, we'll be forced to pass it along to the consumer. The market controls oil prices, not the oil companies that buy and sell most of the oil. We don't have the means to control oil prices. The only thing that can do that now is Bush's magic wand."

In fact, the President tried using his Price Wand to send prices down, but the wand malfunctioned and sent them up instead. When the matter was later brought to his attention at a press conference, he expressed annoyance. "Fuck! Not again," he said. "That piece of shit does this every time! Someone has to show me how to use that thing."

Mike Huckabee Puts Foot in Mouth

2008-05-20T22:37:00.004-04:00

Foot is Stuck; Experts Called In to Remove It

Mike Huckabee's foot ended up in his mouth again a few days ago, this time during an NRA speech. Unfortunately, his foot really got jammed in there this time, and he couldn't get it out on his own.

"He started making a joke about Barack Obama, and pretty soon his foot was stuck in his mouth," said Roland Thomas, one of the attendees. "I heard about this happening to him a couple of other times, but this time it's in there real deep. I don't know how he's going to get it out."

When it became clear that he couldn't get it out, somebody called an ambulance. Unfortunately, the paramedics couldn't figure out how to remove it either. "I've seen this many times before, but this one baffles me," said Carl Braun, one of the EMTs. "How did his foot even get in there at that angle?"

Since then, several other experts have examined Huckabee and were unable to determine a way to remove his foot from his mouth without success.

Somebody may have found a solution. "That foot thing has happened to me about a million times," explained President George W. Bush, "and I've always been able to get it to pop right out by trying to keep talking." Bush explained that this works because it heats up the air the lungs, and the increase in hot air will eventually push the obstruction out of the mouth. "What Mr. Huckabee should do is act like nothing happened and keep going," he said.

Advice and opinions in the article do not reflect the opinions of the Republic Newswire or its staff. The Republic Newswire does not endorse or encourage the use of hot air to force a foot out of one's mouth. In other words, our ass is covered so you can't sue us if you take Bush's asinine advice.

Not Satire: Stupid Criminal Tries to Cash $360 Billion Check

2008-05-02T07:59:00.004-04:00

That's right, $360 billion. That's not a typo. Check it out here.

Happy Tax Day!

2008-04-15T08:01:00.003-04:00

Happiest Day of Year for Lawyers and Accountants

Today is April 15, and from high-priced law offices to accounting firms to the IRS, people are overjoyed. "I couldn't be happier," said Walter Higgins, an IRS lawyer. "Now I can start preparing letters to people who will be audited. I love this job!"

We also have unconfirmed reports of confetti being thrown throughout the IRS building in Washington.

Carl Furst, a New York-based accountant, also talked about his love of his profession and of Tax Day. "My favorite part of the job is that I get to screw over both the IRS with frivolous decuctions and my clients by collecting hefty fees for screwing over the IRS with frivolous deductions. There's nothing I enjoy more than the double-dipping aspect of my job."

In the spirit of Tax Day, let us now take a moment and reflect on the complicated, two-volume tax code that keeps accountants and IRS lawyers in business.

Have a nice day!

Movie Review: 10,000 BC OK

2008-03-09T10:50:00.009-04:00

Movie review by resident caveman Stormy Butterfly.

10,000 BC OK movie. Much action happen. Stormy Butterfly enjoy fight scene.

Movie lack sophistication. Storyline disappoint Stormy Butterfly. Movie need more depth.

If movie about caveman, why all actors modern human? Movie portrayal of caveman suck. Caveman language coaching suck. Stormy Butterfly not happy about this. Why movie not have caveman actors?

In summary: Movie have lot of action but shallow story and shit acting. Stormy Butterfly give movie 1½ star.

Raúl Castro Named New President of Cuba

2008-02-24T16:06:00.014-05:00

After Extensive Debate, Parliament Elects Fidel's Younger Brother

After Fidel Castro announced his resignation as President of Cuba, pandemonium hit members of Cuba's parliament. "Con la repentina dimisión de Fidel, que se encontrabamos en una pérdida sobre la cuestión de la sucesión," said Mudo Estúpidoculo. "¡Necesitábamos encontrar un nuevo líder, y rápido!"

After convening an emergency session, the parliament deliberated over the list of candidates. The candidates who were considered for the office of president were as follows, in alphabetical order: Raúl Castro.

Cojo Imbécilo, another parliament member, told us, "Después de varias horas de debate, que aún no ha elegido a un sucesor. Para empeorar las cosas, algunos de los diputados trataron de filibustero uno de los candidatos, y el proceso llegó a un punto muerto. Creíamos que nunca podría dejar de existir."

"Finalmente, logramos cortar el filibustero con un piso de tres quintos voto. Con el resto de debate limitado a treinta horas, se tomamos un solo día para llegar a un consenso."

Upon finding out that he will be Cuba's next president, Raúl Castro said, "¡El pueblo ha hablado! Ahora voy a lograr las reformas económicas y democráticas, y todos ese tipo de mierda."

There was less enthusiasm north of the island nation, especially in Washington, DC. President Bush was really pissed off upon hearing of Raúl Castro replacing Fidel. "Why did Fidel Castro have to resign? Now that his brother is promising reform, people are going to start asking me why we still have sanctions against Cuba. I'm going to look like a jackass!"

Congratulations to the New York Giants!

2008-02-03T22:24:00.001-05:00

Hats off to MVP Eli Manning!

Bush: Economy Needs "Shot in Arm"

2008-01-18T12:31:00.000-05:00

Economy's foot is next

Many people have noticed lately that the economy seems to be on the road to a recession. Nobody is more concerned about this than President Bush, who has said that a bad economy is a threat to America.

"The economy is not cooperating, so we must now use drastic measures," Bush said Friday. "By shooting the economy in the arm, we will send a clear message: no more Mr. Nice Guy!"

Some critics are less enthusiastic about the proposal. Michael von Blüstren, an economics expert, said, "Bush has already declared war on taxes. I hope the economy isn't next, because you can't fight a war on two fronts."

The President, however, seems to be ready to move forward with his plan. "I've already had my staff take an opinion poll, so I'm now going to ignore the results and carry out the plan anyway. We need to kick the economy's ass!"

In a statement released on Friday, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke added that it will not end with giving the economy a shot in the arm. "If this doesn't work, the next step is to shoot it in the foot."

Bush has given the economy 72 hours to cooperate.

NTSB: Minnesota Bridge Collapse Caused by Design Flaw

2008-01-15T21:23:00.000-05:00

This comes as a surprise to many

An investigation into the August 1, 2007 collapse of the Interstate 35-W bridge in Minneapolis, Minnesota revealed that the collapse was caused by a design flaw. Previously, it was thought that the bridge was properly designed and just decided to collapse one day for no reason at all.

"I am surprised at this," exclaimed Joe Patroni upon hearing about the findings. "Who would have thought that a bridge failure in the absence of adverse conditions could be the result of a poor design?"

Indeed, people did not expect that a bridge collapse could be caused by design problems. It seems that the head of the NTSB had thought it more likely that the bridge would have collapsed spontaneously. "Now that it is clear that somebody is to blame, we need to initiate the witch hunt phase of this investigation," he said in a statement. "I promise that I will find the scapegoat responsible for this and rake him over the coals by the end of this investigation."

When asked about designing and building a new bridge, he explained, "That can go on the back burner for now. We can't waste money on construction when we have yet to blame the collapse on someone. I will not tolerate construction of this bridge until we know who the scapegoat is."

When pressed for details about the design flaw, he replied, "I don't know."

Congratulations to the Red Sox!

2007-10-29T00:19:00.000-04:00

Dollar at All Time Low Against Euro; Europeans Getting Sick of Money

2007-10-26T12:35:00.001-04:00

The United States dollar has hit an all time low against the Euro today, as it is now worth less than €0.70, and it seems to be spiraling further downward. This has led to outrage in Europe, where people are complaining that the sudden wealth that they have been accumulating hand over fist is "too much". "It is too cheap to go the States these days," says Hans Scheisskopf, CEO of Berlin-based Erpressung Nationalbank. "When I go to exchange my euros, I can't even fit all the dollars into my pocket. I hate having to hire someone to help me spend all that money. Unfortunately, I still had way too much money left over after buying the Trump building."

Things have gotten really bad in France, where logging companies may soon go bankrupt thanks to a new alternative fuel. "We just go to the bank every now and then and buy dollars," explains Jacques Priseâne. "It's so much cheaper than firewood, and it burns hotter. Just yesterday, my wife saved us even more money when she discovered that the Washingtons work just as well as the Benjamins for only a fraction of the cost."

Not everyone in France is enjoying the practically free fuel, however. "If I see another greenback, I'm going to puke," says art collector Agathe Étouffante. "There is too much green. After my experience at the exchange booth, I never want to go to America again!"

Nowhere is this worse than in Britain, which uses the pound sterling, where people are fed up with their wealth. Eldridge Smith, a British expat currently living in New York, tells us: "It's like getting a free ride. I still have loads of cash left over after buying a flat on the top floor of Hans Scheisskopf's building and buying another flat to store the loads of cash left over from buying my flat."

Just like a chocolate lover who has eaten too much chocolate, Europeans cannot stand to look at their large sums of money anymore. Unfortunately, there is no end in sight.

Welcome Back; New Format

2007-10-26T12:10:00.000-04:00

After a two year hiatus, I am happy to announce that the Republic Newswire will be brought back online. However, as I lack the resources to gather news firsthand, this blog will no longer function as a news site. Starting today, the Republic Newswire will be a satire blog, with stories poking fun at the news rather than reporting it. Enjoy!

Correction

2005-09-30T18:36:00.000-04:00

In the article "Roberts Sworn In", we incorrectly reported that Chief Justice John G. Roberts would begin work on Monday, October 3. While Monday is the day on which the Supreme Court's new term begins, Roberts immediately started his job on Friday. The Republic Newswire regrets the error.

Roberts Sworn In

2005-09-29T17:24:00.000-04:00

Roberts Takes Oath

WASHINGTON -- Just hours after being confirmed 78-22 in the Senate, judge John G. Roberts was sworn in at a White House ceremony.

Roberts was sworn in by acting chief justice John Paul Stevens, who at 85 is the court's oldest justice, in the East Room of the White House. He will begin work on Monday.

Bloomberg and ABC News were used as sources.

John Roberts Confirmed

2005-09-29T15:00:00.000-04:00

Bush's Supreme Court Nominee to become Chief Justice

WASHINGTON -- The Senate voted 78-22 to confirm federal judge John G. Roberts as Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court.

Roberts received affirmative votes from all 55 Republicans, 22 Democrats, and lone Independent James Jeffords.

The Democrats have promised to stage a much tougher fight if Bush's second nominee, who will replace the retiring Sandra Day O'Connor, is a conservative ideologue.

Roberts, 50, will be the youngest chief justice in 200 years.

MSN Money and C-SPAN were used as sources.

Roy Blunt to Replace Tom DeLay

2005-09-28T17:32:00.000-04:00

Blunt Chosen Unanimously for Position

WASHINGTON -- House majority whip Roy Blunt (R-MO) was unanimously elected to the position of House majority leader to replace Rep. Tom DeLay
(R-TX), who is now under indictment on charges of criminal conspiracy.

Blunt will remain House majority leader for the rest of the year. He will share responsibilities with David Dreier (R-CA).

ABC News was used as a source.

DeLay Indicted, Steps Down

2005-09-28T16:46:00.000-04:00

House Republican Leadership in Chaos

WASHINGTON -- House majority leader Tom DeLay (R-TX) has been indicted on one count of criminal conspiracy relating to an alleged violation of a state campaign finance law.

Under Republican rules, House members under indictment are barred from holding a leadership position. As a result of this, DeLay had to step down. House Republicans are currently without a majority leader.

DeLay has been indicted for accepting $25,000 in donations from Texans for a Republican Majority Political Action Committee (TRMPAC), a committee he founded, which illegally took $190,000 in corporate donations. Texas law prohibits the use of corporate money to finance campaigns.

DeLay fiercely denied the charges and accused the prosecutor, Travis County District Attorney Ronnie Earle, of partisan bias.

DeLay could face up to two years in prison and up to $10,000 in fines if convicted.

CNN, MSN Money, and ABC News were used as sources.